My wife’s chest is like bathroom slippers, man tells court

In what that can only be described as a mix of courtroom drama and stand-up comedy, a 54-year-old Lusaka man of Zambia, at the Matero Court, shocked everyone when he gave testimony about his marriage challenges.

The man, who might soon need witness protection from his wife, blamed her aging body and his “biological programming” for his wandering eyes.

"My Lord, I’m a victim here,” he began, adjusting his tie like a man about to plead for his life.

“I look at my wife in bed, and I feel like I’m sleeping next to my fellow man!”

According to Zambia Observer, gasps filled the room, followed by stifled laughter when he added, “Her chest is like bathroom slippers, and her belly looks like a zebra!”

The judge, trying hard to suppress a smile, asked, “So you’re saying motherhood and time have ‘ruined’ her beauty? Is that your excuse?”

Before he could respond, murmurs of “Awe sure!” and “Yaba!” spread through the courtroom.

“Where is the beautiful woman I married 18 years ago?

“This one here… eh, my Lord, I can’t!” he declared, dramatically shaking his head like a man forced to eat nshima without relish.

The women in the gallery exchanged looks that screamed, “This man needs deliverance!”

But he wasn’t done. “It’s not my fault. All men are born with this virus of ch-tng! It’s in our blood!” he exclaimed, pounding his chest for effect.

The courtroom erupted with laughter, and one woman shouted from the back, “Boss, if it’s a virus, then you need a vaccine called manners!”

Another lady, clearly unimpressed, added, “Before you talk about bathroom slippers, show us your six-pack. Oh, sorry, I meant your one-pack!”

The man looked flustered, but he stuck to his argument, claiming women should “accept us as we are because that’s how God made us.”

The judge, barely able to keep a straight face, delivered a lesson: “Marriage is not about six-packs or zebra-free bellies.

"It’s about love, respect, and appreciating the sacrifices your partner makes.”

He added, “And sir, maybe look in the mirror before calling someone ‘rusty.’ You’re not exactly shiny yourself!”

As the court adjourned, women outside were heard saying, “Zebra belly? That’s called stripes of motherhood—he should kneel down and thank her!”

One man whispered, “Eh, this guy has ended his marriage today. Someone call the fire brigade for his house tonight!”

The case might not have had a legal ruling, but it left the nation with one undeniable fact: Zambian humor, like love, knows no bounds!